Happy Birthday to Me!

Happy Birthday to me! No, not my physical birthday, but my spiritual birthday. Finals week December 2010 was when I decided to repent of my sins and believe in Christ, not the “High School” version or “Cool” version, but really dug deep and believed for the first time on my own. This day has been full of reflection on the past year. Wow. Let's list some of the major “firsts” in 2011:

• Moved out and moved back in.
• I attend a church that does not allow me to stand stagnant in my knowledge of the Lord and Bible.
• I started meeting with a lovely friend who pours her life into me, challenges me (more than I ever imagined) and guides me towards the gospel.
• I stepped foot onto my first Seminary. Southeastern Baptist Theological Seminary.
• I was diagnosed with late stage Lyme Disease and I completed a 5 month treatment plan (We will see the results in a few weeks!)
• I started and quit at two Chick-fil-a's.
• I scratched my eye with a piece of sand, resulting in an eye patch while working the front counter at CFA. I even cut the corner of my thumb completely flat also at CFA. That just wasn't my place.
• I spent a summer in Myrtle Beach learning about community and church planting.
• I have discovered what the thrown around church word “quiet time” actually means.
• I got a tattoo! My nose re pierced! And hopefully more to come :) mwaha
• I didn't go to school, then I went, then I dropped.
• I am working on building a foundation to my faith, even if this means reading a kids bible until I understand then I will pursue deeper knowledge. #humbling
• My desire for worship is stronger than ever. Music is so powerful. I will start pursuing the drums again to glorify the Lord.
• I have realized this is not my life to live.   

Overall it was a long and definitely a maturing year.

The Lord is just stirring my heart with, “What does it practically look like to lay my life down at the cross and truly make Him #1 ?”

Does that mean I will have a normal college experience of a 4 year school, football, all nighters, constantly fighting the college temptations, stress, ramen noodle diet, or making mistakes that will be funny when I am older?

To be honest I don't think so. Do I wish for the “normal life” experience? Of course. I had no where near to the norm high school routine. I have been at this college thing since August 2009 and I have about 22 credit hours done. I am battling quite the serious disease that has made me realize the importance of my daily walk with the Lord and how not important things of this world are. So why do I think I would want to live a normal life? I have no desire to be married, 2.5 kids, cat, dog, white fence, and be a “house mom”.

When I look back at my life what I see is 19 years of preparation. A life that I have learned a lot from. I am more comfortable not having a stable life, as much as thats what I desire, when I get down to it I wouldn't know how to handle anything stable other than my relationship with the Lord.

My life is preparation to: be willing to go wherever and whenever, not to worry about tomorrow today because tomorrow has enough worries of its own, build relationships pretty fast, adapt to any environment in record time.

I do believe that I will never live a “norm” nor do I want to...and that is perfectly fine with me. 

I am so thankful for the season I am in. I don't always think that but actually quite the opposite but when I zoom out and get the big picture why wouldn't I be thankful?

I mean really. If I am comfortable going out like this I don't think I am in the "normal" category. Enjoy :)

Sometimes.

Sometimes by David Crowder has been on repeat in my car for a few weeks now. At first I just loved how it sounded and I even learned the words but I still didn't truly listen to the words. This song can relate to anyone. Everyone has had some type of hurt or pain and we have all had different types of pain. I get lost in this song thinking about how amazing our God truly is. I love the part that he says, "It’s Your love that we adore. It’s like a sea without a shore. We’re lost in You." My prayer is to become so "lost" in the Lord that nothing else matters. I want Him to consume every aspect of my life. When I am at work I am there to glorify His name and well make a little cash while I'm there.

The Lord has taught me so very much through the middle school girls at church. Sunday night we talked about God's sovereignty.  We read about Noah's ark, the crossing of the Red Sea, and in Matthew 6:25-34 when Jesus talks about worrying. The girls point out stuff I never think about...how amazing it is God directed 2 of every animal into the arc, how He dried up the ground after parting the sea so they could walk across, and it was Matthew that hit me the hardest. It says in verse 34 "Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble." I learned that verse this summer and my lovely roommates reminded me of it but it hit me again. I love how blunt it is, you know its true every day has a sufficient amount of troubles.

Then there is the reality check of what is going on. Life is changing in a way I never saw coming. Every area is somehow or the other changing, which tends to make me worry. Constantly being sick but no one can see it is the worst. I have pretty good at covering it up but recently it hasn't been as easy. I think my stomach has hit a wall. It just can't handle all of these medicines anymore (see below). So what do you do now? Lose my social life and sleep to let my body rest? Push it too far and actually become more sick? or try to find a balance? Thats what I am going with for now :)

Through song and scripture the Lord is guiding me, like a lost sheep, on how to not worry. Thankful for this lesson is an understatement.

Yeah I know I am like your 89 year old grandparent.
Pills for AM, PM, and prescriptions for in between. 

I found this gem on the internet. 

When We Arrive At Eternity's Shore Where Death Just A Memory and Tears Are No More. We'll Sing Your'e Beautiful.

I think I missed that this journey called life and especially life with a disease is a roller coaster ride. I didn't realize that no matter how great you think you are "dealing" and going to the word, relying on the Lord there will be tough times, which I have had to accept and accept that fact that it is not always a bad thing. Lately I feel like the realities of Lyme disease has hit me. Prior to about a week ago if "Susie" would have come up to me and told me my life story I probably would have been like, "Oh my goodness I could not imagine going through that...how do you do it?" It hit me...that is me. that is my story. The hardest times are times when I realize my body is functioning differently now. As soon as I push myself its like clock work I always get sick...I guess "more sick"...no matter what if I work a 10 hour shift I will sleep for about 14 hours and not wake up no matter what or if I do I feel like I can physically not get out of bed. 

I also have realized there needs to come a point when reality needs to sink in. I think I am entering that phase...even though it has been 2.5 months since the official diagnosis and probably about 6 months since the idea of Lyme has been tossed around. The reality is in March I could work 12 hour shifts days in a row and be tired but it be no problem, but now after 5 hours my knees are usually hurting so bad I know I slack in my job and because I am in pain I am rude to customers and worst of all my co-workers. I remind myself of scripture (Psalm 51:10) through out the day every day. The reality is that today I had to call out from work, I have left the house once for about 15 minutes, sat on the couch the rest of the time, attempted to study (mid-term tomorrow) but my head was pounding, so around 7:00 pm I migrated to my room where I now lay with a heating on the back of head/neck because it hurts too bad and my grandmothers prescription arthritis cream on my knees. Not exactly how I pictured my college life. 

I definitely would describe myself as hard-headed in the way that I usually won't admit when I just feel like crap, but I think I have hit a wall. If you have read this far this isn't meant to be a "poor me" story...please don't remind me daily of what I am going through. You are free to remind me that you are praying for me or to ask me questions about it, completely fine with me!

I definitely would not have made it this far without the people I have been blessed with in my life. Between my mom who I know would and practically has given up everything for my brother and I to figure this Lyme thing out and a dad who doesn't always understand but I know if I sent him a list of things I needed he would go to wal-mart (or starbucks =] ) at 1 am to get what I needed to help feel better. I have a wonderful community at church, people praying along side of me, one who is practically a big sister and a community of other brothers and sisters who remind me they are praying for me and best of all remind me of truth. 

"Carry each other's burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ" Galatians 6:2

"Create in me a pure heart, O God, and RENEW a STEADFAST spirit within me." Psalm 51:10

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OeZNJN5JHwY&feature=related

(The last minute is my favorite =] )

He did not half way die.

I have been really convicted and burdened by the thought of..."What would it look like in 2011 to really lay everything down for the gospel"

My life playlist the past few weeks has been these 4 songs: Blessings, Lifting My Burdens, Awakening, and Beautiful Things. The Lord has been teaching me something different from each song. Blessings has made me realize that it does take me a thousand sleepless night to know that He is near...why does it take such hardship to sometimes make how big God is real in my life?While Lifting My Burdens reminds me that He does lift my burdens but I have to give them him first...I try to be "strong nina" and fix it and go through it alone, why? I also need to set aside intimate time with the Lord...having no agenda other than to pause life and be still to hear his voice. Awakening has reminded me of the passions the Lord has put in my heart from a young age...I want to go, I want to go to the people who won't have a chance to hear the gospel unless I (or someone else) gives up everything to go and make Him known. Beautiul Things reminds me that He is God and no one less...I need to stop putting Him in a box and doubting how great He is. He made man out of dust. wow. the oh so complicated human body he created with dust and his breath.

I guess bottom line is you know my God is an awesome God. I really wonder how my life would look if I gave him everything, every part of my life, and followed His direction. I am 100% confident that He would keep me in his arms but why is it so hard to say yes to that? silly human nature and free will.

If someone were to ask me hey what have you learned through this short journey of Lyme disease thus far? I would say: My life is not my life, my life belongs to the God who gave me life to start with. I don't know I am definitely not happy with how I stand medically and I definitely wish I could go one day without swallowing pills but you know it may just be worth it if this is what it takes for the Lord to grasp my heart once and for all.

Just another favorite song right now:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=icLnQhJ8MJc

The Start of A New Season

If you have taken the time to read this I hope you find it interesting, entertaining, and hopefully encouraging. I think it is a wonderful idea to blog about your life for others to know and for me to have the opportunity to look back and see how faithful the Lord has been in my life. My life these days has taken an unexpected turn due to the diagnoses of Lyme disease. I am probably the last person you want to explain it so this website does much better: http://www.newworldencyclopedia.org/entry/Lyme_disease. I sometimes just have to laugh at the side effects, for example, today I could not remember my student ID number so I guessed and the financial aid guy said, "That is a number for a male student, do you have any ID on you?" I felt really smart.

The Lord has taught me a lot through this journey already. I had "my plans" for my life, which were along the lines of being an RN at 21 and participating in over sea missions. I am 19 living in South Carolina looking at 3-4 more years of school and no where near getting another stamp on my passport. On the same note I am living in a city where there is such a wonderful Christian community filled with brothers and sisters in Christ, a job that I enjoy, and learning that I can't do it all and to trust in Him. What better life could I ask for?

I know that the Lord is working in my life. It is amazing how sometimes (a lot of times) as a human I am so prideful and am convinced that I don't always "need God" but He is just an accessory that makes life a little bit easier and better. It is amazing what it takes for me to realize the He is my everything, without the Lord I have no life.

I am so thankful for how good the Lord is. My prayer has been that the Lord will help me realize the reality of what is going on but also that He will guide me through it. Any time I research Lyme stuff I have a personal rule that I must be listening to worship music to keep me in right mindset of medical facts vs. biblical truths.

He is truly Lifting My Burdens
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RhzGDaCBb1I